


i know

by onhojongtaekey



Category: SHINee
Genre: Angst, Confessions, Fluff, Jealousy, Jongyu, Love Confessions, M/M, mentions of it but that's it, side!jongkey, the beginnings of smut but it goes nowhere
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-29
Updated: 2018-06-29
Packaged: 2019-05-27 14:59:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15027152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onhojongtaekey/pseuds/onhojongtaekey
Summary: Jinki doesn't know why Jonghyun is crying in his arms when last night he was wrapped in Kibum's.





	i know

Jonghyun, like many people, loved attention. He loved praise, he loved being told how well he was doing, he loved being at the center. Jonghyun, unlike many people, loved attention a little _too_ much. Loved praise, being told how well he was doing, being at the center a little _too_ much. But it was the perfect amount for Jinki. Jinki, with his constant kind words of reassurance, his loving personality, his knowledge about every little thing 'Jonghyun'. Yes, Jinki was perfect for Jonghyun, as was Jonghyun for Jinki.

So when Jinki found out Jonghyun had had a slight fling with Kibum a few nights ago, he was _livid_.

"Jonghyun," the older nearly snarled out, pinning the shorter against the door of his bedroom, "what the  _hell_ were you thinking," questioning his escapade with the other band-member.

"It was nothing," Jonghyun coolly responded.

"Nothing? Lying on all fours and begging for more of what _I'm_ here to give you is  _nothing_ to you?" Jinki pressed, applying more pressure to his hold on Jonghyun. He couldn't believe the words coming from this slick shit's mouth.

"Why are you so mad, Jinks?" Jonghyun cocked his head slightly, hiding his emotional pain behind feigned innocence. "It's not like we're a thing."

And he was right. It's not like they were a thing. It's not like Jinki had longed for them to be an item, not knowing where the younger's heart really was, not knowing if the only praise he'd accept coming from the older was in the form of pants and moans. No, it's not like they were a thing, but Jinki's blood was still boiling hotly at the idea of anyone else, _anyone_ else, taking what he knew to be his.

Jinki shut him up with a kiss, messy and hot and possessive, tongue slipping past Jonghyun’s slightly parted lips with ease. The younger moaned deeply into the kiss, wanting to card his hands through the elder’s hair but struggling against his still tight hold on him. Jinki took note of his weak struggle, but couldn’t bring himself to care. How could he, when Jonghyun didn’t care about Jinki that night? The hurt and anger Jinki felt transpired through the urgentness of the kiss.

“You,” Jinki said, breaking the kiss, “you’ve been so bad. You’ve been so, _so_ , absolutely _horrible_.The fucking worst.”

Jonghyun was never one for degradation, even if praise followed after. The words broke him and Jinki knew it, saw it in the slight flash of pain that crossed his eyes. Jinki cared, cared so so much, wanted only to make the younger feel good in every way humanly possible. Yet, he’d be damned if he pretended, even for a little, that he didn’t like the sadism behind making Jonghyun feel how he himself felt, has been feeling since Jonghyun took it upon himself to be taken by another man.

“On your knees. Now,” Jinki ordered, voice hard and gentle at the same time, something only he could do in such a way that it made Jonghyun melt. And Jonghyun followed commands so well, submissive as ever.

“J-jinki I—” Jonghyun started, shame and regret overcoming him as he looked up and saw the somewhat hollow expression in the older man’s eyes.

“Take it out,” Jinki nudged his hips forward, gesturing towards his length, “And suck. Like you mean it.” _Like you did for Kibum_.

Jonghyun does as told, like always. Except, not like always. His fingers tremble a little in guilt as he brings them up to undo the draw string on Jinki’s shorts, feeling wrong for hurting him as much as he did. The two of them are not together, Jonghyun rationalizes, so why did it hurt Jinki so badly? Shouldn’t it mean something to Jinki that the younger only ever went to him with his problems? Only ever sought out Jinki’s touch? Only ever wanted to actually be with _him_? The night with Kibum meant nothing. It really, really meant nothing. He knows it. He swears by it. Looking up again, he sees a sadder, more empty expression in Jinki's eyes. He can’t do this. Jonghyun begins to get up, feeling the weight of the world on him.

“Jinks I’m so—“

Jinki peered down at him, empty look in his eyes turning into hysterical sadness. It’s a look Jonghyun has never seen on him before. It makes him break from the inside out.

“Jinki,” he breathes out just above a whisper, gut churning at seeing him so distraught.

“Just what was going through your mind when you decided you’d sleep with Kibum? You just forgot about how I’d feel, right? Right? It’s all about you, and making you feel good, and praising you, _right_?” His words have a certain bitterness to them, all too unfamiliar coming from the usually loving and caring soul. “Because nobody else matters? Because I don’t matter to you unless I’m inside you and telling you what a good job you’re doing? Because I don’t matter to you at all? Because you can get this from anybody else?” And Jinki’s choking back tears, voice straining in his throat and his heart is heavy with jealousy and regret. Regret for not making the specifics of their relationship clear, regret for hurting Jonghyun with his thoughtless words, regret for feeling so intensely for someone who doesn’t feel the same.

Silence falls upon the two of them, Jonghyun having nothing to say, or rather, everything to say and no certainty in how to say it. Jinki looks down at the younger, barely moving, barely breathing. Did he just confess? Even if he did, what’s to say that Jonghyun would’ve noticed? Let alone feel the same. His breaths are shallow, as though he’s afraid of breaking the unspoken rules that have been established in the deafening silence. As he ushers past Jonghyun and heads towards the door, he hears a faint noise come from the shorter male, followed by the sound of him hastily shuffling after him.

“Jinki, listen,” he pleads.

“To what? Are you going to tell me how great it felt with Kibum? How it felt _so_ great that you don’t even want to be with me anymore? How you never wanted to be with me past sex to begin with?”

“No I—”

“Save it.”

“Jinki I really—”

  
“That’s enough, Jonghyun,” and his voice wavers between commanding and tearful.

“J—”

  
“What!” Jinki shouts exasperatedly, whipping around to face the shorter male and stare him down, tears finally having left his eyes. “What could you _possibly_ want from me _now_ , Jonghyun? What could be so _fucking important_ that it can’t wait until after Key drills into you for the upteenth fucking time?”

Jonghyun stares. That’s all he can do, is stare.

Until he steps a little closer, breath fanning over the expanse of the older’s chin. He’s been trembling this whole time, heart jumping in his chest and threatening to come up through his throat, to spill every unspoken feeling he’s harbored towards Jinki.

And he leans in, steps closer and relies on his tiptoes to give him the additional height necessary to lock their lips together in a kiss that spells out a long overdue apology. Jinki doesn’t kiss back. Jonghyun doesn’t care.

“You,” he starts, voice shaky and uneven, “You’re important. Me.. me telling you this is so _fucking important_ that it can’t wait any longer.”

  
“You’re not making any sense,” Jinki says steadily, haphazardly wiping his still falling tears.

“I want you.”

“I know. You always want me, so that I can give you praise for how good you are in b—”

“No,” Jonghyun cuts him off firmly, “No. You _don’t_ know. I want you. I want to be with you. I want this with you, and _only_ you.”

It’s Jinki’s turn to stare, blinking away tears and getting more agitated by the second.

“What is ‘this,’ Jonghyun?” he asks, angrier now, “The only ‘this’ we have is fucking until you’re spent.”

“I want more than that.”

  
“Selfish.”

  
“But you feel the same, Jinks,” Jonghyun says lightly, using his nickname for the older in an attempt to ease the tension, “Or at least I hope you do, otherwise you wouldn’t care that I slept with Kibum.”

Jinki’s jaw clenches at the mention of Key. “Why did you,” he asks through gritted teeth to keep himself from becoming too emotional, “Why did you sleep with him?”

“I was trying to get over you,” Jonghyun confesses.

“Wh—”

  
“I didn’t think you wanted me outside of sex. It felt like that’s all I was good for… and to feel like that at the hands of someone you love…” Jonghyun trailed off, tears welling up in his eyes as he fought to force them back with a smile, “Hurts,” he said simply. “So I thought, if I’m just good for sex, it can at least be with someone I don’t feel anything towards. It’ll hurt less with no strings attached.” His soft smile faded as tears streamed down his face, breathing growing more ragged as the seconds ticked by.

“Jonghyun…”

“You don’t need to say anything.”

“I do,” Jinki started, feeling the air leave his lungs as the younger boy kept crying. He hated that he was the source of this onslaught of tears. Hated how he made the person most precious to him feel like nothing, value himself at nothing. “I’m so sorry, Jonghyun.”

  
“I don’t want your pity.”

“It’s not pity,” Jinki reassures, the softness in his voice summoning fresh tears to the corners of Jonghyun’s eyes. “I’m so sorry I made you feel like you only mattered in bed,” he starts, guilt lacing his tone. “I’m so sorry I haven’t been telling you how special and important to me you are outside of our…” and Jinki laughs bitterly at his next word, “our ‘relationship.’ I’m so sorry I led you to seek comfort in the arms of someone else. I’m so sorry that in all this time, all this damn time, I haven’t told you that I love you.”

The last words come as a shock to the both of them.

“You what?” Jonghyun asks, partially thinking of getting a hearing check.

Jinki swallows whatever pride he had left to make his feelings crystal clear, repeating himself over and over again until the words seep into Jonghyun’s head.

“I love you, Jonghyun. I really, really do. I’m sorry I didn’t notice your feelings earlier. I’m so sorry.”

Tears freefall from Jonghyun’s eyes as though that’s all he’s made up of, tears and more tears and more and more and more tears.

Jinki draws the younger in closer to him, cradling the back of his head with his hand as Jonghyun sobs into his chest.

“Please don’t cry,” Jinki coos, gently taking the other’s face out of his chest and cupping his chin in his hands.

“I’m so,” Jonghyun hiccups through tears, “I’m so h-happy, Jinki. I’m so happy.”

It’s all Jinki wants. It’s all he could ever want.

“I love you, too. I love you so much. I really do.”

Jinki smiles warmly, leaning in to kiss the crying boy in his arms, “I know.”

**Author's Note:**

> wooh this is my first finished shinee fic. i love jongyu


End file.
